March
2007
Unsolicited Advice and Shoulding on People
On my journey, I came to realize that giving unsolicited advice had the opposite effect I intended. I’ve been working on myself for 4 years now and I’d like to think that I have gotten somewhere, or rather I have returned to a place of inner peace I once knew. And over this time I have acquired lots of bits of information to make my life harmonious with the world. Naturally I want to share this info with those close to me, and with the world actually. I mean my life is so happy and amazing, wouldn’t everybody want this? The answer to everybody’s problems are so simple and I have them. Then I try to share them with somebody not on or even near a path of enlightenment and it backfires. They rip me apart for even offering this advice. So where did I go wrong? Well, my Uncle once told me never to give unsolicited advice. That is a tough thing to handle when you think you have all the answers. I live by some simple rules that make things run happy and smooth, but the advice rule has been hard to follow. I mean you see somebody struggling with a problem that is making them miserable and you know all they have to do is this one thing and all will be happy.
But the fact is, this thing will solve my problems because they are my truths at this moment in time. I could not have taken that advice 5 years ago because I was not in the proper place in time. I suppose there are many paths to enlightenment, one is not the correct one and the others are not wrong. So I need to bite my tongue, maybe chew it off, I don’t know. This is hard to do. One thing my wife does is to ask people if they want some advice. This doesn’t always work, because people just say “yes” to be polite. But I guess they feel less angry at you since they did in fact give you permission. So my wife had a “talk” with me the other day about this. I’ve been giving her unsolicited advice a lot lately. For some reason, since she is on a path like mine, I thought it was ok. But I found out, it’s never, ever, ever ok to give unsolicited advice. So now, I am asking permission to do so if I feel the need. Or, as an alternative, I can give a scenario that happened to me that demonstrates what to do. That way you are not shoulding on them, you know, you should do this, you should do that. When you should on somebody, they naturally rebel. Nobody wants to be told how to live their life. That is unless they look up to that somebody, then they may ask for advice. I know when somebody has something that I desire, I often ask them how they got it. I mean, what better way to find out.
All of this advice stuff has had me rethinking this whole blog. Am I giving unsolicited advice to the world? Or are they asking for it by coming to my site? Maybe that is why I haven’t posted much lately. So you found my site somehow. What are you thinking? Am I giving unsolicited advice here? Or did you ask for it? Let me know… 
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I don’t think you are giving unsolicited advice at all, Greg, because we come here LOOKING for it. It is a choice to visit your blog. If you have written something that you have learned and believe and think, and I get something out of it, I am very glad that you offered it…
In most cases, giving unsolicited advice NEVER works though, for exacttly the reasons you mentioned…
People have to be ready — and willing — to hear… We are all on differing paths of growth…
Asking for advice means you have an opening to share, and the timing may be good…
“SHOULDING’ someone usually will get their back up… Considering options, possibilities, if it feels right to you, I’m not sure if this will work for you, but I found it helpful… pondering, thinking, suggesting… that rewording may be easier to hear… depends on the relationship… Permission may be given then because it feels less threatening than if someone is telling you how to feel or what to do or think…
I like what you write about, and I like to comment to you.
I’d like it if you did the same with me on my blog.
“Should” you ? You don’t have to - it is an option. It would be nice.
It’s not a have to, it is a choice…
Permission granted, in that way…
I don’t think you are giving unsolicited advice on this blog…I think it is much harder to Not give advice to people around us because we do care about them and don’t want to see them get hurt, suffer, fail, etc. But their suffering, their pain, their failures are all part of their journey. They have the right to fail, just like they have the right to Joy. It is their life, their path, their pain that they can at any point choose to transmute into Joy. It is a very hard thing to accept others’ rights to fail, but it is their right. We would Never dream of taking away another’s Joy, yet we want to take away their pain all the time. We can’t. That is their job. And a comment I use that sounds a bit less preachy than :do you want some advice is, “Would you like some Feedback?” And if they answer Yes then it is their choice to listen to what I have to say. If they don’t want to hear it, then they may say no.
I guess also just kinda keep in mind The Golden Rule…treat others how you would want to be treated in the reverse situation. I am certain I would not enjoy someone pointing out all my faults and lecturing me like I am a 5 year old, so even if it is that obvious to me, I ‘try’ not to do that to others. sometimes that is very, very hard. but each man’s journey is his own…let him walk it.
Thanks for your post, It doesn’t feel like I come here to ask for specific advice, it’s more out of curiousity and to look at what kind of different viewpoints people have I guess.
It’s also about looking if there is something that I can share, that hopefully is interesting for others aswell. For example I do have something that comes to mind when I hear about ‘unsoliceted advise’, something that I have learned from my dad. When he worked for a Company his “Free advise” sometimes wasn’t appriciated. When he stopped his work at that Company and begun his own consulting firm, suddenly that same Company appriciated his advise and even paid good money for it!
So that’s why I don’t give to much “Free advise” either, that’s why you can BUY my little eBook. Although you can look at a FREE preview via my weblog.
Your blog definitely doesn’t seem like pushing your advice on people. You provide your views and we can pick and choose what we want to take in. Also, they are not directed at one of us in particular so if we relate to what you are saying then we know that there are probably other people feeling the same way.
I know that as soon as somebody tells me what to do, a wall goes up. And it should, when you think about it, because nobody is in a position to tell us how to live our lives. O
ffering examples from your own life, like you said, is a wonderful way to get a point across. Again, it leaves the receiver responsible to relate the ideas to themselves so they are taking part in the process as well.
Greg,
Truth is no one likes to be told what they should do. As you pointed out there are other ways to get your message across, such as saying how something worked for you or using a story to demonstrate what you would like to communicate. Stories are one of the best ways to teach lessons. People tend to remember stories dispite themselves.
I believe that your blog does the world a great service. People find your blog and read your writing because they are seeking the information that you write about. You are fulfilling a need and I would love to see you continue to do that.
You have much to teach, some people may bite back at your advice, give your advice, teach your lessons anyway. Remember to always be a student as well and learn from all of the people in your life.
Thanks everybody for the support! I truly appreciate the time you took to respond. You all have wonderful ideas and I thank you all for them. I guess I knew that I wasn’t giving unsolicited advice here, I was just feeling a little unsure of myself with everything that’s going on in my life right now.
If this post had been posted on March 22nd instead of March 20th, or if I had had my dream on March 20th instead of March 22nd, we would have had some synchronicity. On March 22nd I had a dream in which I was telling a man that he should not should on himself.
Don’t worry. Everyone that comes here to read your blog does so because they want to. We are all students and teachers. We all have something to teach, just as we all have something to learn.
Hmmm, very interesting dream Sophia. Originally I was trying to teach the world, or should on them with this blog. But now I am just a humble student of it.
This is my first time to your blog and the first time for me to post to a blog. I did a Google on giving unsolicited advice and got your website. My question is how do you stop? It is like an addiction for me.
I so want to help people. I am continually reading and working on myself so I come across interesting things and want to share. I think I have driven all my friends, family, and coworkers away.
Greg, thank you for sharing and I am asking for some help on this if you or anyone out there has any ideas.
Jan,
I think it is a natural progression to do this. You learn something that changed your life tremendously, and want to share it with others. You do that and they resist. I still do it myself. Stopping is a hard thing. My Uncle taught me not to do this and he actually practices this. It may have taken him 20 years though. But I was in a place to learn it from him at that time and he knew. How? I suppose practice will only teach you this. Just remember how it feels when people try to tell you how to live your life. And you can always ask if they’d like some feedback, then give an example of something that happened to you.
You are not alone. I was shoulding on everybody when I first started my spiritual journey. It only pushed them away. Now I understand what it is to be righteous.
Also, I have a whiteboard in a promenant area of my bedroom with advice I give myself. I read it constantly. One of the things I wrote is “I do not give unsolicited advice.” I’ve read it hundreds of times and it does help. Thanks for visiting my blog, I am glad you found it!
Jan,
Hehe, another example after reading what I wrote. You asked me for advice here, and I gave it showing something that happened to me. I didn’t say you should do this or that. If I gave advice it was gentle, like “you can always ask if…”
Hang in there Jan, you’ll figure it out one way or another. To be blunt, you’ll drive everybody away, or you’ll learn your lesson, or maybe you’ll find new people. Now that I think about it. I don’t hang around most of the people I used to anymore. Those that are not working on themselves spiritually that is. It’s too difficult and it pulls me down. I want to be lifted up by those around me! So you might think about that too. That part is more difficult than the unsolicited advice thing and I think it’s the next progression.
Hey, thanks for getting me thinking there Jan!
Thank you Greg. I will definitely put something up like you suggested to remind me each day.
I was recently in a serious auto accident with multiple fractures of leg, foot, and wrist and this is one of the things that came up for me as very few of my friends called or came to visit. I have always been strong and made it through hard times. Wasn’t sure if they just thought I didn’t need their help or that I had driven them away with my unsolicited advice prior to this.
It has been an interesting journey and my most difficult one to date. I know I can get through it, but it would have been nice to have friends to help me through. Another lesson learned.
Take care,
Jan
I too had health problems a while back and it taught me who my real friends were. I also am “strong” person, my meaning is that I don’t ask for help hardly ever, even when I could use it. So I get mad I don’t get any offers for help, but I never asked for any too. Those who were perceptive enough, and/or truly cared, came to my aid. Ask, and ye shall receive. I am working on that one.
I’ve learned that people do not “help” unless it benefits them in some way, or proves them right. For example, I ask for some help moving and here are some various things that people might think:
1. I better help, he helped me last move so I owe him.
2. I better help, if I say no I’ll feel guilty.
3. I’ll help, because I am a giving person and helping proves that I am.
4. I’ll help, because I enjoy his company.
I better help, or I’ll never hear the end of it.
5. I’ll help, so I can get away from my cookoo family.
I think my opinion that there is no such thing as altruism is not very popular.
Greg,
Thank you again for your words of kindness. I completely relate with the not asking for help, but in this instance I have asked for help and as I said, it was a lukewarm response.
Several of my friends have said they really have a hard time seeing me struggle like this as I have always been so strong in the past. I think some of them just cannot stand to see me in pain and incapacitated. Maybe it makes them realize, if it could happen to Jan, it could happen to them and it scares them.
I have mixed emotions about your theory on helping as that also means me. I would hope I would help for the right reasons, but given human nature you are probably right. I have always believed there are 3 sides to everything. Mine, theirs, and the truth so maybe part of us wants to help for the right reasons, but part of us does it for our own benefit. Either way, I always try to help when I can.
I am more concerned over the fact that people just don’t help out like they use to. Especially, when women and children or elderly need their help.
I have to be honest with you, I have never been really big on chat rooms and like I said, this is my first time on a blog. I have lots going on in my life with working parttime, I recently started back to grad school at age 51, and rehabilitating from the accident that I don’t have alot of time to spend on the computer so if I don’t post anything for awhile, nothing personal, just busy.
Thanks again for taking time and being honest. I wish you the best on your journey.
Jan
I don’t believe there is a real truth. I believe everybody has their own. My truth is different than everybody else’s. If I believe in 1 truth, then there is a right and wrong which I don’t believe. I think there just “is”. Otherwise then there is judgement on my part, or others, or both. “God wants it this way” some say. Do you know God? Have you spoken with him? Well then that is your truth, thanks, and keep it to yourself.
Which goes back to shoulding on people. Funny how we keep doing circles here.
Happy Easter by the way! Not that I really celebrate it. I just like eating deviled eggs.
Why are you so angry with people who believe in God?
I suppose it bothers me a little how people try to impose their views on me and others. I wouldn’t say it angers me. I believe in a higher power.
Hello, I publish Florida’s new age magazine and am interested in reprinting your Unsolicited Advice and Shoulding On People article. I am at my May deadline but would like to use it if I may. I don’t pay for articles but will include your contact info. Let me know your thoughts. Thank you.
Andrea, Feel free to reprint it with my contact info which is this website address, I’d be honored.